It Ain't Paradise
by antilogicgirl
Summary: Someone has done the unspeakable. They've stolen Kakashi's entire collection of hentai. He sets out in search of suspects, and uses intimidation and psycholocial torture to get information, but it backfires.


**A/N:** Ok, ok. So I suppose that I should give you all a few warnings. There is a bit of psychological torture in this fic, along with some light joking **yaoi**, and just a little bit of suggestive behavior. So, I don't think it's really suggested that anyone who doesn't like that stuff should continue. This is my first stab at anything yaoi. It's aslo as smutty as I get. I'm far to fluffy to really be able to write real smut. So if you're into the later parts, and you hate me for cutting it off just before it "gets good," you'll just have to excuse me, 'cause it would break my brain to actually write that stuff out.

**Legal stuffiness:** I don't own Naruto or any of the characters within. Ok. Now that we've got that straight, on with the show.

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It Ain't Paradise

_A pair of gloved hands opened the cupboard. The midday sun shone on the target of this mission. A small chuckle echoing through the small apartment, these hands began to stuff the canvas sack full of the orange-bound books. When every last one was safely and securely inside the confines of this bag, the culprit smirked. Pulling the strings to tighten the bag, the intruder's smile widened, and then disappeared as the escape route drew closer with every step. Once out the window, the thief began to laugh. Every last one of Kakashi's prized books was safely stowed in the pack slung over this person's shoulder. It was meant to be a prank. It turned into something altogether different._

* * *

Kakashi strolled down the street to his apartment, tired, but happy. He had a new book to read once he got home. His visible eye crinkled as he grinned behind his mask. The jounin chuckled heartily. The last book had been so good, he couldn't wait until this new one came out, and he had re-read the previous three four times. He waved at Anko, who passed him. She smiled, and kept walking. He entered his apartment building. Digging in his pocket for his keys, he thought he felt something odd in the air. Behind his mask, he frowned. 

He could smell a foreign scent. _Cinnamon?_ He shook his head. It was probably coming from one of the other apartments. Having unlocked the door by this time, he poked his head warily into his apartment. Sniffing the air again, he narrowed his eye. It _was_ coming from his apartment. Kakashi's hand moved to his pouch, drawing forth a shiruken. "Oi! If anyone's here, you better come out." He said, but as he did, realized that he was alone. Someone had been in his apartment, but why? An absurd thought crossed his mind. _They wouldn't…_

He ran to his bedroom and went over to the cabinet, tearing open the doors. His eyes tried to pop from their sockets. "They're all gone…" he breathed, horror coursing through him as he mourned the loss of his precious books. He fell to his knees. _Someone is going to pay for this._ He began to think up unspeakable tortures for the cinnamon-scented thief when he found them. As Kakashi stood, be began to look around for clues as to the identity of the thief. After checking the cabinet for handprints, he raised an eyebrow. "Damn. They were wearing gloves!" Eyes running over the rug next to his bed, he saw no footprints in its high piling. Whoever they were, they had been careful.

The window, still open from the thief's departure, seemed to taunt him. He thought of everyone he had seen in the area that day, of who he had not seen, and all of the people who had told him over the years that he shouldn't be reading his hentai. _Someone_ had it out for him, he was sure. It was a malicious act, taking away his most prized possessions. How could anyone be so cruel?

_No. I have to try to be rational about this…_he thought, but then, _but they took _all_ of them!_ Revenge would have to wait until he knew who to take revenge on. He sighed. Mentally rattling off a list of names, all people who may have taken his cherished books, he thought that he would have to use intimidation for some of them.

Naruto had not been at training that morning.

He had just seen Anko walking in the opposite direction, as if she had just come from his apartment, and she _did_ have that big coat she wore…

Iruka…now there was another possibility. He had been saying that Kakashi should give up his hentai and just get a woman.

Other names began to crop up, but he decided to go with those three for now. _First,_ he thought, _I'll try Naruto._ Kakashi walked to the open window, and grasped the sill. Hauling himself up into the casement, he smiled. It would be easy to get the information out of his pupil. If he had the books, he would willingly offer them up after less than a minute. Yes, it would be easy to break the short blonde-haired shinobi. He jumped from roof to roof, easily making it to Naruto's apartment in less than ten minutes.

He did not knock when he entered the young man's apartment. He figured, if it had been Naruto that had taken his books, he had a better chance of getting at him if he held the element of surprise. What greeted him was not a sight he had expected. The apartment was neat, unlike the last time he was there. He walked through the small living area to the bedroom. Naruto lay in the bed, sleeping. He blinked. _It's almost noon. How can he still be sleeping?_ When he neared the bed, his shadow fell over the sleeping shinobi. Kakashi kicked the bed, jarring Naruto awake.

"Na-Nani!" the boy said blearily. "Kakashi-sensei? What are you doing here?" He rubbed his eyes, and pulled off his sleeping hat. His sensei's eye narrowed. Reaching down, Kakashi took hold of the front of Naruto's pajama shirt. The boy was hauled up, out of the bed, and his feet dangled just above the coverlet. His eyes were fearful. "Ka-Kakashi-sensei…eh…what did I do?" His eyes strayed to the window. "Oh. Sorry I missed training. I guess I overslept."

"Not the issue, Naruto." Kakashi's voice was a deep growl, and his dark eye burned into Naruto's frightened blue ones. The boy swallowed hard, eyes darting this way and that, searching for a way to get away from his sensei. "Where are they, huh?"

Confusion suddenly replaced fear in Naruto's eyes. "Where's what?"

"My _books,_ baka. My books. Did you take—" Then he sniffed the air. _No._ It had not been Naruto. He smelled faintly of ramen, and Ramune, but no cinnamon. He slowly lowered the confused shinobi back down to the bed. "Gomen, Naruto. I should have asked before I tried to—"

"What happened to your books, Kakashi-sensei?"

His shoulders slumped as he plopped down on the bed next to Naruto. "They're gone. Someone took them. This morning." He slouched, resting his hands on his thighs. Depression washed over him. _That's one down. Two to go._

Naruto jumped off of the bed, walking to the living area. "Kakashi-sensei, you wanna borrow mine?" Kakashi looked into the living area. Sure enough, Naruto had all of the same books he did, except the newest one, held piled in his arms. He walked back to the bed, spilling them out onto the coverlet. "If you want, you can borrow any of mine you want. Ero-sennin made me read them." The smile on his face said that he hadn't _really_ minded reading them too much. Kakashi understood. They were really good. He shook his head.

"Nope. I had the newest one. I was going to read it when I got back from training, but now some bastard took them. Messed up my whole day." Kakashi was slipping back into his funk. He looked over at the younger shinobi. "You should be getting up now, Naruto. Go and train. I'm going to beat people down until I find my books." He rose from the bed, and turned to leave. Sighing, he wondered who it was that could have taken his beloved hentai.

"Oi! Kakashi-sensei!" He turned back to the smiling young man. Raising his eyebrow, he saw the orange blur streaking toward his forehead. Catching it just before it would have struck, he looked at it. _Icha Icha Paridise, volume three._ Naruto smiled. "I know that's not the new one, but so far, it's your favorite. Take it until you find yours." Once again, Kakashi turned to leave. "Oh, and sensei, I was wondering…" Kakashi smiled behind the dark cloth that hugged his face, waiting. "Can I borrow the new one when you finish reading it?"

"Hai." He shook his head as he left. No. Naruto had definitely not taken his books. He slipped Icha Icha Paridise volume three into his vest. It was small comfort, but it did make him feel a little better. _Iruka next._ He smiled at that. It was going to be fun rattling Iruka's cage. _Doesn't take much, really._ He had an uncanny talent for making the chuunin stammer like a nervous girl. Shaking his head, he walked toward the Ninja Academy. The students would be having lunch soon, and he would be able to catch Iruka in the teachers' room.

Kakashi's footsteps echoed through the hallway. He walked down the hallway and made a left-hand turn when another hall met the one he was in. Three doors down on the right, he found the teachers' room. Pushing the door open, he found Iruka sitting on a low couch by himself. The room was otherwise deserted. Smiling behind his mask, he walked directly over to the couch and flopped down right next to Iruka. The younger man blinked in surprise.

Smiling nervously and rubbing the back of his neck, he greeted Kakashi. "Ohayo, Kakashi. What's up?" His face was all wide-eyed innocence. The jounin tried to keep his eye from narrowing. Succeeding, he leaned back on the couch, deciding on a different tactic when dealing with this man. He calmly snaked his arm over Iruka's shoulders, and his hand fiddled with the red chuunin patch on the sleeve of the other man's uniform, almost absently. From the corner of his eye, he could see a blush rising on tan cheeks, and he felt the dark-haired man stiffen. He congratulated himself. _Working already. This is fine…_Then he looked directly at Iruka, turning only his head.

Their faces were now very close to one another. He inhaled sharply, not smelling any cinnamon, but deciding that Iruka was smart enough to be able to get rid of a scent once he was done with stealing his books. "Ah…Kakashi? Um—" Kakashi scooted closer to him on the couch, their thighs now touching, and the hand that had been playing with the other man's sleeve now moved to the nape of his neck.

His fingertips brushed against the small hairs on Iruka's neck, producing a shiver. The dark shinobi was now looking straight ahead, obviously trying to ignore the fact that this man was so very close to him. Kakashi smiled slyly, lips sliding across the underside of the fabric of his mask. Leaning close to Iruka's ear, he said, in a husky whisper, "Iruka…" Another shiver passed through the man under his arm. "I need to ask you something."

Swallowing audibly, Iruka glanced nervously at him. He licked his lips fretfully. "What's that, Kakashi?" He was obviously uncomfortable, and Kakashi was having a hard time not laughing at him. The jounin leaned closer yet to him, the tip of his nose brushing against Iruka's ear. "Ahhh…" Iruka's eyes nearly closed. His breathing was shallow. Smiling, Kakashi thought, _boy is he nervous…but if he took my books, he deserves every bit of punishment he gets._

He took out his "punishment" on Iruka further by moving his hand from the man's neck to the side of his head, and using his other hand to pull down his mask. Bringing his mouth within millimeters of Iruka's ear, he breathed, "Have you seen my books?" And promptly pulled his mask back up. Iruka turned to him, embarrassment and confusion plain on his face. The jounin reached up to the zipper on Iruka's vest, pulling it down until the thing was fully open. His fingers played with one of the buttons on the dark shirt the young instructor wore. "You know, I won't be mad at you if it was you who took them. As long as you give them back, that is."

Iruka's brow furrowed. Clearing his throat and apparently steadying himself, he said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Kakashi. I have no interest in your hentai." The silver-haired man cocked his head to one side. His fingers still toyed with Iruka's button. It popped open. The young man's eyes widened slightly. Kakashi's fingers slid to the next button, restlessly fiddling with it.

He leaned closer to Iruka. "Are you _sure_—" the button popped. "—that you haven't seen my books?" Kakashi's fingers trailed over the newly exposed skin. Iruka's breath was ragged. "No?" He sighed. Leaning over he whispered in Iruka's ear, "Too bad." Then he jumped up and said brightly, "Oh, well. See you later!" Iruka hadn't taken the books, either. The young man's mouth hung open slightly, and his cheeks burned with a blush.

Kakashi laughed, and gave Iruka a wink, then turned to leave. If he had been looking at the instructor at this point, he would have seen his hands gripping the couch cushions, knuckles white. He did, however, hear Iruka sigh loudly just as he closed the door. Disappointment flooded through Kakashi's mind. Iruka had not taken his books, either. There was no way that he was lying. He had been far too flustered to do so. That left Anko. She was going to be much more difficult to deal with.

Once outside the academy, he turned west, toward Anko's apartment. She lived in a four story building six blocks west of the academy, and Kakashi was there in minutes, staring up at what he knew to be her window. He took the stairs two at a time getting up to her apartment, and then entered in the same way he had Naruto's place. However, there was one thing that was very different about this situation. It was Anko's apartment, and the woman was no fool. In fact, if Kakashi had not had such quick reflexes, her booby trap would have skewered him.

Six kunai shot from the ceiling and walls, and Kakashi had to twist his body this way and that to avoid them all. When they were all safely embedded in the walls and floor, he stepped further into the living area of Anko's dwelling. It was not a brightly lit room, since she preferred the curtains drawn. He wondered briefly if there would be other traps, and then his question was answered when a net dropped over him from the ceiling. It clung to him, shrinking, and soon, he could not move a muscle. He felt himself falling, and he hit the floor with a hard thump.

How long he lay there, he was not sure. But when he heard the door to the place open again, the sun had long since gone down. He heard a slight sound, like footsteps, but strangely muffled. Then, the lights were flipped on, and he saw Anko standing over him, hands on her hips and one eyebrow raised.

"Hatake Kakashi. I never would have guessed that you would be capable of this." She knelt down next to his head, and poked his forehead. "What brings you to my humble abode?" Her smile was malevolent. She gripped the net, and rolled him onto his back. He said nothing for a time. It had been forever and a day since he had been this helpless, and he was not a little frightened by what she might do to him. She had a temper, and some pretty nasty jutsu to back it up. He swallowed, hearing a gulping noise. Anko laughed. After a moment, she sat on his stomach, her legs crossed to one side.

"Oof!" Was all he could say. She was still smiling that evil grin, and it scared him even more not knowing what she intended to do to him. She appeared to know this.

"So I've been hearing some rather interesting things, Kakashi. One of those is that you've been running around Konoha shaking people down for your stupid hentai books. Iruka had to take a cold shower after you left the academy. What did you do to him?" the light in her eyes was now not only evil, but curious. She poked his chest again. "Perhaps I should get payback for him?" The curiosity was gone from her eyes now, replaced with pure delighted evil.

Feeling the net wiggle around his thighs, he was sure that he was _not_ feeling Anko's hand, slipping over the fabric of his pants. His eyes widened, and she giggled. "So you thought _I_ took your books?" Just then he was sure that he _was_ feeling her hand, and it was moving…up. Had his mask not been covering his face, a fierce red color would have been observed there. Anko was not finished with him, by far. Her voice came out in a pouting tone. "Silly, silly Kakashi. Why would I need _those_ books? They're so lame!"

He knew that it was karma catching up to him, but it just didn't seem fair to him. He hadn't done anything _this_ bad to Iruka. After all, he had only tried to find out who took his books. That hand was now trying to unbutton his pants. Kakashi finally found his voice. "Ahhhh…Anko? Gomen. I'm only trying to find my—" He swallowed hard as the button came undone, and Anko's hand yanked at his pants, breaking the zipper. "Payback?"

The black-haired woman straddled his hips. She had a very devious look on her face, and an evil smile. Leaning forward, she placed her hands on either side of his head. She shook her head from side to side. "Oh, payback's fine and all, but how often is Hatake Kakashi so helpless?" Her smile broadened, and she settled her weight onto him, pressing against him. He tried to say something but her hands were moving again. One took hold of his forehead protector, dislodging it from its position over his eye. He heard the metal of it hit the floor. The other hand moved for his mask.

One of her fingers wiggled under the cloth of his mask, on the side of his nose. Anko was now biting her lower lip. _What the hell is this woman doing?_ _And where the hell did her other hand go?_ The hand that had removed his forehead protector was indeed not visible any longer, but it was not long before he _felt_ where her hand had gone. His mind was screaming, and his body was like a dead weight. He couldn't move, and he certainly couldn't speak. Anko didn't seem to have any trouble maneuvering around the net, since as she pulled his mask down, her other hand was unzipping his vest, just as he had done to Iruka.

He blinked rapidly. _This is just like something out of Icha Icha Paridise!_ Well, if that was the case, then why was he not enjoying it? Maybe it was the look in Anko's eyes, that malevolent spark, or perhaps the set of her mouth. He began to feel her breath on his face, and he tried harder to speak. "A-A-Anko…" he stuttered, "Can't you let me go?"

She pursed her lips for a moment. Then, she shook her head. "Nope. If I let you out of that net, you'll just run away," Her lip stuck out in a pout. Kakashi stared at her. _How can she manage being cute when she's being so evil?_ She really was cute. _What are you thinking, baka? Three seconds ago, you were wanted to smack her, and now you're thinking she's cute? There's no hope for you._ At that, there probably wasn't, not with her looking down at him like that. She was playing quite a game. But then again, games were much more fun when two played...

Kakashi cocked his head to one side. "Who says I'd run? Is that a challenge?"

Anko's eyebrow rose. "Why, are you feeling your manhood threatened?"

"Maybe a little." Her hand was still…moving. Said manhood was feeling anything _but_ threatened at the moment, but Kakashi really did _not_ like being restrained. He would try just about anything to get out of that net. "If you let me out of here, then we can talk about me not liking to run away."

"Let's say for the sake of argument that I let you out. First, I say you apologize for breaking into my place. Then, we can talk about how you can make it up to me." That evil smile was back, and her roving hand had momentarily stopped. There was a small part of his mind that was disappointed when it did.

"Is talk really necessary?" He asked, adding a suggestive hint to the mountain of suggestive hints that were already between them. It should only take a couple more to tip the balance in his favor. Kakashi smirked. Straining against the net, and Anko's weight, he moved his face toward hers. She took the hint, pressing her mouth hard against his. Her teeth took hold of his bottom lip, biting down just enough to be painful. He groaned. Pressing buttons seemed to be a specialty of hers, and his were being pressed, but good.

Anko's weight shifted on top of him, and he heard the sound of metal sliding against cloth. She pulled away from him, and brought the kunai up to eye level, near his Sharingan. "You promise you won't run?" _Balance tipped._ He nodded. Oh, he wouldn't run…that was for sure. Before she started cutting the net away, she looked him in the eye. "You know I don't have your books, right?"

"Books? What books?" Her smile was back. She started to cut the net. With three of the strands of the net cut, his head and shoulders were loose. As soon as the next one down was cut, his arms were free.

He sat up, and eyed Anko, who was cutting the net from around his thighs now. As soon as those were free, he wiggled out of the rest, and launched himself at her. Landing on top of her, he cocked an eyebrow, smirking. "I told you I don't run away. Now, you said something about a talk?"

"I thought you said talk wasn't necessary, Kakashi. You aren't taking that back now, are you?" Her smile broadened as she pulled off his vest. After both his vest and his shirt were in a pile next to his forehead protector, Anko moved her hands over his chest. Kakashi watched her face, sure that he saw something behind the evil glint in her eyes. _Hell, why not? Stranger things have happened._ Lifting a hand, he pushed her hair from he eyes.

Anko shrugged herself out of her coat. He raised an eyebrow. That net shirt didn't leave much to the imagination, but that was alright with him. He stood suddenly, and scooped her up, throwing her over his shoulder. She grunted as his shoulder dug into her stomach. Kakashi walked into the bedroom, and threw her onto the bed. She was sprawled across the bed on her back, and he loomed over her. Anko pushed herself up onto her elbows. Raising a foot, she hooked a toe into the waistband of his pants. She pulled, and he fell onto the bed, and her. She giggled again. "No, Kakashi," She said in his ear, "Your manhood should be just fine."

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_The books sat on the floor, a small orange tower. The thief sat looking at them. Kakashi had not come for them. Maybe he had given them up? He wouldn't just forget about them, would he? Sighing, the thief picked up Icha Icha Paridise, volume one. The thief began to read. A knock came at the door. Eyes widening, all books were scooped up and thrown in the bag once again, the thief shoved the bag under the bed and pulled the coverlet down to hide it. "Come in!"_

_Ino's head poked into the room. She raised an eyebrow. "Were you asleep?"_

_Shikamaru tugged on the coverlet a bit. "No, Ino. I was not asleep. Want to go and get some tea? I feel like a good chai."_

_Ino's nose wrinkled. "Ugh. Too much cinnamon for me. I'll stick with regular green tea. Did you tell Chouji where we'd be?" Shikamaru shook his head. He had not seen the portly shinobi all day. In fact, he had been so busy waiting for Kakashi to find him that he hadn't left his room since he got back. Rolling his eyes, he got up from the bed._

Kakashi never got his books back.

End.

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**A/N:** Love? Hate? Review, and tell me, even if you hated it. Lemme know what you thought, please.  



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